What do you want?
Goals = adult
Wants = child
List your wants
- What part of me wants it – PAC?
- If the child doesn’t want it you probably won’t get it
- If only the child wants it, it may not be a good idea as the consequences have not been considered
- If only the parent wants it, it is a “should”
- Adult must be involved in the want to provide the “how to”
- The desire to please the parent never leaves us but may be modified
Options for getting each want
- Getting information about the want
- Asking for it
What are the consequences?
- Are there any conflicts? This may mean making choices
What did the child want originally? (Longings of the child)
- Security
- Novelty
- Information makes the child secure in novel situations
- Security<——>novelty spectrum
- Meaning (the significance of my life)
Requirements for change
- Wanting to change comes first
- Pain
- Boredom
- Enlightenment – the discovery that you can
- Positives work, negatives don’t (see Do and don’t messages)
- Have a reward in sight – child needs to play in this too – “will I feel better?”
Habits can help because they save energy – providing they are the right habits. Energy from stroking builds new habit pathways, and energy comes from people.
“Be the change you want”
- The difference I want
- How far do I want to go?
- Gain and loss
- What I will do differently?
Change can produce loss as well as gain – everything costs! More freedom means accepting more responsibility, conversely we cannot be responsible if not given freedom.
Record the gains – the child likes to see progress
Get help – this helps us participate in solving our own problems by expanding the possibilities