- Want, don’t only need
- Have many stroke sources
- Have fun with each other – every day
- Find the others parent
- Be aware of the effect you are having on the other person
- Don’t be angry, its probably a racket – deal with it by trackdown
- Keep contracts
- Control yourself not others
Karpman drama triangle
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If you feel the urge to rescue, stop and think…
If you feel the urge to persecute
If you feel the urge to be a victim
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- Only confront if the adult is in charge – otherwise you become persecutor
- If not asked for help or no intention of helping you become a rescuer
- If you become a victim “I’ll never do that again” moves you to persecutor
To get out of the triangle
- Have other stroke sources
- “I will get on with my life no matter what”
Manipulative stroking controls behaviour – withholding strokes
Conflict resolution
- Consensus – but often I want what you want what I want
- Concession – one person always gives in
- Compromise – nobody gets what they want
- Cooperation – agree to disagree
- Confrontation – ok if adult in charge: “there is a real problem here, we have to talk it through”
- Conciliation – overcome hostility and secure friendship; works if the child wants it and the adult knows how to get it
Unhooking
- Don’t give or take stamps
- Give low value strokes
- Don’t be persecutor rescuer or victim
- Stay ok but don’t flaunt it
- Keep in adult
- Stay in the now
- Protect the other persons child if possible
- Develop other relationships
- Be consistent
- Stay friends if possible
In relationships, get the adult working by asking
- Where is this relationship going?
- How much punishment am I willing to take?
- What are my values?
- What will I be doing in 5 years time if I don’t change?